This is a little change of pace, but we'll put this under the "wellness" part of this blog.
I'm sitting watching my son sleep. It's been a weird day. I found out a friend from high school passed away yesterday. He was such a sweet, caring person. He would have literally given you the shirt off his back, and I'm sure if you spoke with his really close friends, he probably did just that.
I thought yesterday was hard. I couldn't wait for 5:30 for my husband to get home and take my son so I could have a break. He sounded like a broken record, stuck on "mamama" all day long. He wouldn't play with his toys, he wouldn't play with his friends, he wouldn't even eat all his food. He just wanted to sit on my lap and lay his head on my shoulder, which was sweet, but I had other things to do at times. He cried most of the day, even though he wasn't hungry, he wasn't wet, and he took a decent nap. I couldn't figure out why he needed me so badly yesterday.
I brushed it off. We read some stories with his friends, went for a walk, and came back to what I thought was him being "reset". Nope. As soon as I put him down, he cried, again. Luckily my husband was almost home and I could escape.
I told me husband I didn't know what was wrong him. He wasn't my usually cheery baby and I couldn't stand this "phase" he had hit. My husband put him to bed for me so I could relax, and to be honest, the snuggles I was missing didn't even cross my mind. I just prayed he didn't "need" me as much tomorrow.
And he didn't. He didn't cry every time I put him down. He contently played with his toys. He went right down for his nap, not needing to snuggle in my arms and lay his head on my shoulder. He didn't yell,"Mama" when I went to the bathroom, and he didn't climb in my lap every time I was paying attention to someone else.
Babies can't communicate effectively. For this reason, they're really good at picking up what emotions and vibes you're giving off. I'm sure my vibe was "frazzled" yesterday. I try so hard to create a peaceful environment for him, and yesterday probably didn't seem quite right to him.
I woke up tired yesterday. It was also the anniversary of my grandfather's death. I was trying to move past both, sure to move on with my day. But my son knew better. He didn't need me. He knew I needed him. His cries for mama were to let me know he was there, his calmness when we sat down and snuggled were to get me to slow down and appreciate the moment. He was letting me know he was there for me.
I became really upset this morning at myself for not realizing this yesterday. For not slowing down and appreciating the day, and my son. It hit even harder when I got the call about my friend. His mother will never have those moments where she's able to sit down and appreciate the love between her and her son. What she'll never have again, I neglected to acknowledge was right in front of me.
So whether he truly just needs me, or somehow knows that I need him, I'll make sure to listen next time. I'll slow down, and be thankful in that moment, understanding that one day he probably won't need me anymore, but that I'll always need him...
Today really put that in perspective for me.
Rest in Peace, Tom. Go comfort your mom, and your whole family. They need you now more than ever.
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